Chaotic Preparation

Hi blog,

Surprise!

Surprise surprise. No really, surprise. Surprise because although I reported that I was waiting for surgery with the anticipation that it would be near the end of July for the time being. Well, I ended up seeing a new doctor to try and get some more opinions about the surgery, being the big thing that it is, and I ended up really liking both his plan for surgery (he wants to do a total shoulder replacement because it's more reliable and predictable and is better at managing pain, as opposed to the partial replacement the first doctor wanted) and also his attitude altogether. I got a call from his office the next day (this was two Wednesdays ago, twelve days) offering me some surgery dates. The first was on June 24th, already exciting by my standards because it was a full month ahead of the other doctor's planned surgery. Then she told me they had an opening for June 10th. I hesitated only because of how shocked I was that they had a date available so soon, then I swooped in on it, an almost irrational fear settling in that if I waited a second longer, somebody would snatch it out of my grasp.

So...I'm having surgery tomorrow. Surprise.

I'm happy about it because it means a lot of good things: I'll be able to heal over the course of the summer so it won't interfere with my schooling, my brothers will be around to help out so it's not just my parents (although a shoulder surgery allows me a great deal more autonomy than any of my lower joint replacements, since I'll be able to get up and walk around and the only limitation is my use of only one arm), and I won't have to deal with the exponentially worsening pain in my right shoulder (the left is also getting worse, but not as quickly) for two months while I wait on endless days to pass before I can fix the problem. However, there is one very big bad side effect: I've had very little time to prepare mentally for the surgery. Normally I have at least a month when I get something replaced, and even that can prove to be not enough time to fully prepare myself for the stresses I'll face. There's a great deal more anxiety going through my head than I remember with the other surgeries, a lot of barely contained panic and worry about this and that and those and these. I doubt I'll sleep much tonight, which is fine, I'll have a two-and-a-half hour nap around 11:15am tomorrow courtesy of an anesthesiologist and his drugs. I know most of my worries are unfounded, but without much time to convince myself of that, I'm having a difficult time setting aside the constrictor-like anxiety crushing my chest. Once I get into the hospital, it usually alleviates some, but I'm concerned that without enough prep time, I'll still be incredibly nervous beforehand. We'll have to see.

But surgery isn't the only thing going on. A couple days ago was my 7-year diagnosversary, seven years to the day when I was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia and propelled at incomprehensible speeds down this path that is now my life. I'm always worried about relapsing on that day, and with good reason. That day, more than any other, brings back flashes of the last seven years and throws them in my face for me to watch, totally subdued and unable to stop it from happening. I simply endure the agonizing memories and remind myself that I beat it, it's in the past, and I won't let some phantom assailant assault me with brutal imagery until I give in and gulp down several handfuls of pills until the pain stops and I drift into that addled narcotic haze for a few hours to escape it all for a bit. I didn't relapse, same as the last four years. It's never easy, almost as soon as midnight came around and it was June 7th I felt an overwhelming sadness smash into me and for the next several hours left me with an unused sob in my throat. I managed to distract myself for most of the day with television and video games, mindless things that dragged my attention away from the date and into a world outside of ours. Whatever it takes to work, that's my opinion. Whatever it takes to avoid using drugs or falling into despair and misery, I'm all for it. Just so long as it's not hurting anyone, it's not to be scoffed at. We must do what we have to in order to keep our lives as pleasant as possible. I'm okay with whatever methods work for me, it's better than the alternative of not having them.

I went up to San Francisco (most of the time was spent in the suburbs, but listing a bunch of towns won't really help) to see my best friend and his fiance and their dog. I only spent a couple days up there because I was concerned about how my health would fare, but it ended up all right and I had a wonderful time seeing all of them (as well as around 40 other assorted reptiles, mammals, and arachnids). We wound up going to a shiba picnic with all sorts of small, adorable mini-husky looking dogs (I'll probably get in trouble with the shiba inu community for the comparison, but that's what they remind me of) for several hours. I also got some sourdough bread in the shape of a turtle, because hell yea!

That's about it for now, a quick update after an extended silence caused by the insanity of the last couple weeks. It's mostly been chaotic preparation for the surgery and sorting out all the little details that need sorting out, I've been frazzled and busy and forgetful due to stress, but I will try to do a much better job at updating on how my surgery went when I get a chance. I'm going to be doing a total shoulder replacement of my right shoulder (see link for surgical details). The surgery last two-and-a-half hours (see above for me mentioning it before) and I'll only be in the hospital for a day or two if everything goes to plan. After a little over a year I'll be 100% recovered (I'm probably at 40% capacity now anyways, so I can wait), although after four months I'll have my left shoulder replaced (when my right shoulder is around 70% recovered). I'll be able to use my right arm a little bit, but it'll be in a sling so typing and doing anything with that arm will be difficult, though I'm not entirely sure just how difficult yet. We'll see. Yea that's about it on the info dump section.

Anyways, I hope the humans reading this have a lovely day, and blog, I apologize for the neglect, but you should probably get semi-used to it for the next month or so, maybe longer depending on the healing. I'll still try to write something, just don't expect long paragraphs and a small novella.

Ciao for now