The Path to Normalcy

Hello again,

It's been an incredibly hectic few months. Which leads me to something I feel is important to discuss that I'm sure isn't all too foreign, at least on some level, to many:

I tend to get overwhelmed somewhat easily, especially with the more mundane aspects of life—work, school, bills, insurance, socializing, what have you—and especially when they're all happening simultaneously. For years, I felt ill-equipped, like a failure, for not being able to deal with the realities of independent living. This was a near-constant thought I repeated like the world's worst mantra.

Yet, when it comes to traumatic events in my life—surgery, car accidents, cancer scares, joint collapses, etc.—I cope far better than most. After ten years of dealing with grim prognoses and continual setbacks, what most people would consider horrific experiences are my normal. The reason? I was diagnosed with  leukemia a little over ten years ago, just as I was about to graduate high school, and so instead of learning and adjusting with my peers to adulthood, I struggled just to stay alive and, once I'd come out the other side, to recover. The natural path of leaving the nest and learning to navigate the real world wasn't mine to walk. Instead, I found myself on a more winding path to a reasonably normal life, slowly picking up the skills necessary to do so.

While I added to my repertoire of life skills, I contended with numerous surgeries and other setbacks that served as an ever-growing ball and chain that slowed my progress to a crawl. And the depression and anxiety and PTSD from my battle with cancer and the cure were as broken glass along that path, pain and suffering that reinforced the belief it was far easier to stay put than continue on to endure further cuts, slowly bleeding my resolve. Each additional mundanity increased the incline of the path—growing ever steeper, ever more daunting.

The combination of these factors is sometimes enough for me to shed some of my less urgent tasks to pour my effort into those that are necessary—to ease the angle of the path and thus the energy required for forward progression. Over the last couple years I've become better at juggling multiple responsibilities, but it has not been easy, and I've had to do it almost entirely on my own.

I know I'm not alone in this predicament. Many young adult cancer survivors have similar issues, as do people with depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses. That's why it's so important to find ways of tailoring support to those who struggle, because as it sits today, the resources can be improved. It begins with our attitude toward how we offer support and what we think adequate to get these people back on their feet. Unfortunately, the problem doesn't just go away when someone is "cured," there are lingering after-effects that can be just as damaging and difficult to overcome as the original diagnosis.

The issue is a pervasive one, and only when we work to find the best treatments not just for those currently suffering their maladies, but for those recovering as well, can we ease their path back to normalcy.

~Andrew

Top Ten Zen #7: Your Worst Enemy

Hey blog,

This post might seem a little depressing. In truth, it's kind of a mini-series within the series, so it ties into a much happier and uplifting post! Don't worry, everything works out...look, a meditating kitty! See? Told you.

Hopefully this makes up for the semi-depressing post  

Top Ten Zen

Andrew and Nick have compiled a list of Zen-like philosophies comprised firstly of a quote, an interpretation of said quote, and finally a story to drive their point home. This list can aid you in doing anything from completing a 100-mile race to surviving cancer, or obtaining any goal you set your mind to. 

Here are the previous posts for those who missed them:

1. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step
2. Body follows mind
3. The faster you hurry, the slower you go
4. You are not bound by your past
5. Life is only available in the here and now
6. You are the author of every next moment

Nick on the verge of deciding he
wanted to quit life

"Your own worst enemy lies within."

The Survivor’s Take: Nothing hurts you more than your own negative thoughts.

The Runner’s Take:  The mind is the culprit of quitting.

Survivor’s Tales: After suffering through cancer and GVHD and just barely escaping from the hospital with my life by the thinnest edge, you would assume that I would be thrilled to be out in the world, that I gained a new appreciation of life. No. Instead, I looked at the scars and my bloated figure and felt an intense black hatred for myself bursting through to infest any hints of happiness and gratitude that dared poke its head up. As a result of this self-loathing, I began to heavily abuse my medications in an attempt to blot out conscious thought and all the pain that came with it. I could have chosen to be happy about surviving, but instead I wallowed in agonizing self-pity and righteous self-hatred. I chose that of my own volition, angry and hurt by everything that happened to me, disgusted by my appearance. I chose that path. But as we’ll see in this next post, although you can make yourself quite miserable with just the flick of a thought, you can also instill a great deal of satisfaction in the same manner.

Mountain Tales:  It was 3:30am, some 19 hours into the Ronda del Cims. Carles (3rd place) and I were deep into the race and had accumulated over 30,000 feet of gain. We were far from the finish and battling through the night together. Passing a stream Carles looked at me and said “Quince minutos llegamos.” Fifteen more minutes and the two of us would be at the mile 85 aid station, Illa. Thirty minutes later, Carles glanced over and said to me “Cinco minutos, seguro!” Five minutes clicked away with no aid station in sight. The two of us hurt, our pace was fading, our energy dwindling and our morale all but vanished. “Does Carles even know what he’s doing?” I could feel my body weaken as the poisonous thoughts continued to fester in my mind. I stopped. I had to change my mindset. I looked up at the full moon, pine trees blocking off the distant high peaks, and I felt alive and blessed to be wandering through the Pyrenees. I smiled and resolved that the damned aid station could have been hours away, it didn’t matter. I’d made peace with my own worst enemy.

Andrew's worst enemy lies within and a little to the right

Of course, just because we are sharing our own extreme examples does not mean that these philosophies are all strictly for extreme situations. We share these because they can be used by anyone in the proper situations and we invite you, dear reader, to take these helpful tips into the world to use as you see fit. Feel free to hoard them or share them with others. It is both of our hope that these do some good somewhere, and so we wish you luck in your journey of a thousand Zen-filled steps.

Nick Hollon

Andrew Bundy