End of Absentia

Hello all,

I guess I'm back. I mean, I am back, but the question of whether I shall remain back has yet to be answered. I suppose we'll all find out together.

The good news is that the surgery discussed in the previous post (I will end up getting to the Coming Soon section, but not now) went very well. It turns out that, in addition to the bone spurs, one of the screws from my ankle allograft in 2010 was loose, so that was taken out during surgery as well (I told him that another doctor said it might be loose, "I've known for years that I've had screws loose, but this is the first I've heard about the one in my ankle"). That was early November. It's been healing up very well, the pain is down and the flare ups of pain have become much less frequent. I'd call that a success. It has been good enough that I did a lot of walking on our family vacation to Oahu this last week (by the way, we went to Oahu), although my ankles weren't particularly pleased and I did spend some time in a wheelchair because of how painful and swollen the ankles were getting (see right: wearing a tight ankle brace does not really mesh well with very swollen ankles/legs). I'm planning on sitting and icing my ankles for the next couple days, that way my ankles return to normal as soon as possible.

After the surgery, I started to feel like I was returning to the mental state that had plagued me at almost the exact same time a year ago. It felt like my mind was beginning to slip again, and fear of pushing myself too hard and taking on too much led me to pull away from the world and try to keep my stress and anxiety levels as low as I could to avoid having another total nervous break. I'm hoping that I'm more stable now, and that this three-month hiatus can be broken without too much worry that I'm overreaching. It really bothers me, I feel like more of an invalid than I ever did with the physical problems, having my definition of "overreaching" be talking to people, writing, and taking a couple classes to finish up community college (which also bothers the intellectual in me, but after two failed attempts at UC schools due to bone collapses, I just don't want to go through the hassle for a third time until I'm in a much better physical, mental, and emotional state). But I've learned over the years that I can't compare myself to anyone else, or, at least, I shouldn't compare myself to anyone else, which is nearly impossible I'd like to add. It's a hard lesson, harder still to live by, but I'm doing my damnedest to follow it and take care of myself to the best of my ability, even if it feels a lot like failing (I just need to ignore that, it's hard, but I'm trying).

Inspirational metaphor goes here

Despite all this, I've been able to take some measure of comfort and hope from my memoir (Life Has No Title). A few weeks after my surgery, I decided that I'd spent enough time trying to save money by chopping bits out and sent it off to the editor. Soon, I hope to have it back so I can take a look at the notes and start with the finishing touches to have the writing and editing portion of this project complete. Then I'll be able to turn my focus toward marketing and networking, which is something I'm a bit antsy about, but at least I have faith that the memoir can do a lot of good and it's my hope that knowledge will help get me through potential rough spots that might come up in the final stages of completion. It also helps a great deal that the editor has already somewhat eased the anxiety about how good my book actually is by being kind enough to let me know that she likes the voice and the content and thinks it could be helpful to others. The narrative tone was my biggest worry about the writing aspect of the book, so that's a bit of a load off my mind. I'm really looking forward to reading her notes and starting work again on this project. I've been doing some writing in the interim, although more dabbling than anything else.

I think that's a good-sized post for now. I'm getting weird vertigo while looking at the screen, so I'm thinking this is a good stoping point. Hope all y'all had a good (insert preferred winter-related holiday here) and will have great 2016s.

~Andrew