Wednesday, September 17, 2014

In Kneed

Hey blog,

Well I owe you a quick update.

Knee


It's still attached, which is a good start I think. I saw the doctor a couple days ago (the first one who isn't a knee specialist) and after inspecting my x-rays, with much apprehension on my part, he says there isn't any new bone damage that would be the cause of the pain. There are some bone spurs, but comparing the new x-rays to old ones taken before I had my knee surgeries, they haven't changed and there aren't any new ones. So bone damage is ruled out. That's good, it means I probably won't have to replace my knee and it confirms that the bone allografts are holding up well. Dat ist goot. The doctor believes that the pain is brought about by some issue with the cartilage. Either the cartilage in the painful spot is rough in some manner and grates against the knee or it pulls back when I bend the knee and allows the bone to grind against bone. The only way to find out is through MRI scans, so now comes the fun waiting game of "MRI when are you going to call me to get done and then afterwards will I have to wait two weeks to actually learn the results?" Perhaps we can shorten the title to "MRI how long will this take?" Or even shorter: "MRI be on time." I like that.

(Note: The last couple times I've had MRIs it took over two weeks to hear back about the results, which left me stressed out and anxious because waiting is the single worst thing people have to do on a regular basis.)
(Second note: The picture above is substantially less gruesome than the other one I thought briefly about showing. There's an interesting story about that shoved into my book somewhere though. Basically: don't open computer files from your doctor unless you are absolutely sure what they contain, unless you like being surprised by blood and body parts.)

This is what I look like when I'm surprised, although with more of a beard probably

So that's the knee. Besides that there isn't a whole lot to report. I just spent the last week doing essay after essay and knocking back some reading and doing a couple tests and all that jazz and funk and blues and other musical genres that relate to that. Nothing interesting on that front. Nothing new with writing, nothing new with anything else. Too busy for new things. Maybe that's not so bad though? I did write a poem. It's kinda weird. Okay it's a lot weird. That's good though, it's one of the few poems I've written (and one of the only ones I've liked). That's it on writing.


OH!

Nick, who was in Italy training for this insane race called the Tour of Giants (Tor des Géants), did his race and placed second (making him the first America to ever finish on the podium in this race)! He hasn't put out a race report yet because he just got back to the states yesterday, but here's a post he did about the list of things he learned while training for this brutal race of doom: Thing he did before the race. Tor des Geants is probably one of the more insane things he's ever done. Before you go "Oh it's probably not super crazy. Like a couple marathons maybe?" No. No. Try 205 miles (330 kilometers) over several days of running up and down mountains. His time? 76:29:38. Yea, just over three days of running. In case you hadn't figured it out yet, Nick is insane. 

That's all I have for you today. Check back later when more things will be added.

Your knee'dy ruler,
Andrew

Friday, September 5, 2014

Sometimes It Crashes Around You

Hi blog,

Apologies for the abnormally long pause in post, I'd been meaning to do post more frequently and instead the exact opposite happened. It's something to work on.

Part of the reason for not posting when I normally do is because there really isn't all that much going on. It's been relatively low-key over the last couple weeks and finding anything interesting is a bit of a challenge. That applies to positive things though, there's been a slew of neutral and negative things piling up, which accounts for the other reason I didn't post at the normal time: I'm feeling overwhelmed.

Looking at nudibranchs...great stress reliever

My version of overwhelmed seemed oddly calm compared to some people's, but it's less about the workload and more about the mental taxation it puts on me in terms of anxiety and stress. I've been scrambling to get a number of school-related issues cleared up and have been running into nonsense after nonsense that pushes me back two steps for every one I put forward. Coming across all this bureaucratic BS that has been making it difficult to get anything done, I've become more and more stressed as these tasks are added to even more things I need to do, creating a backlog of different chores and assignments that doesn't ever seem to get any smaller. Mixed in with the schoolwork that I'm not quite used to just yet and it leads to me feeling anxious. I've managed to whittle away at some of these projects but then something else will come up that needs to get done and the neverending march does its own whittling on my heavy mind.

But why is my mind heavy? Surely it may be frustrating to deal with all these assignments, but it's not impossible to deal with them given the time and the mental stamina. Within the latter lies my other major problem. I'm worn out mentally and emotionally exhausted. You might think the upcoming surgery is weighing heavily on my mind, but really it isn't. In my last post I discussed how it actually was somewhat of a relief to get it out of the way. Instead, my taxing problem is with my knee. For almost nine months now I've been experiencing some new form of new pain within my right knee. I had that one replaced with an allograft almost two years ago to deal with the same degeneration that has plagued the rest of my body. This new pain started off minor, so I didn't think much of it, just some pain because I was doing a lot more walking after a semester of on campus classes for the first time. However, it recently kicked up to a much sharper level last month and my mind invariably goes to the worst-case scenario of severe damage, either due to further degeneration or a failure of the allograft. I didn't do anything about it for a few weeks, in part because I was almost overwhelmed from all the other work, but mostly because I didn't want to find out what it was and learn I might need to have yet another surgery. "But Andrew, don't you like surgery? You just said-" Bugger what I just said. This is different, this wasn't expected. It's forced to light a problem and possibility I've been trying to ignore for a while now: that the rest of my life could be spent fixing one problem or another, that the surgeries will end up being continuous as one problem emerges. I hoped to avoid further surgeries and have all my replacements hold up for at least ten years, and now I'm facing (what I think) is a real possibility that something very bad is wrong with my knee. Of course, I could be wrong, but this kind of deep, sharp pain is eerily reminiscent of my pre-surgery knee pain. I had x-rays done of it a couple days ago, but couldn't get in to see my knee specialist until October 9th since he's out of the office for almost all of September. Instead I'll be going to my general practitioner, who luckily is a sports doctor so at least he knows damaged bones when he sees them. I can get a preliminary idea of what's wrong from him I hope and then see the knee specialist to be absolutely sure.

All in all, I'm tired. I haven't been sleeping because if I bend my knee to a certain angle the pain kicks in (and because I'm a rabid insomniac to start with). Actually it only hurts within a certain angle and otherwise is fine. It could be because there's something grinding against something else or a spur of some kind. Now I have to wait for over a month wondering what's wrong with my knee and try to live as normal a life I can, getting things done and continuing to rehab my shoulder. Maybe I'm just blowing this all wildly out of proportion, but my mind already has had the idea and now, in its tenacious desire to freak me out, it won't let me abandon it. It feels like everything is happening all at once, raging and howling at me like some vindictive hellstorm that whips up a frenzied tsunami as I stand helplessly in the middle of my 10' by 10' walled fortress plopped squarely in a vast ocean of problems. I'm just waiting for the waves and the wind to sweep me away as I watch the churning water crash around me, slowly but surely eroding the not-so-very solid rock beneath my feet and knocking bricks from my flimsy walls. All I can do is watch and occasionally stick a brick back in place, feeling like an exercise in futility.

Andrew stared unseeingly at his computer screen for a couple minutes, the imagery all too real in his head as yet more concerns about his knee taunted him. Then he blinked and took in a deep breath, which escaped in a slow, steady sigh ending with more finger movement across the keyboard.

...annnnyyyyways...

I'm supposed to be working on my memoir but that got kicked aside as soon as school started abruptly. Maybe since I'm not sleeping I can work on the outline I keep promising Nick I'll do. I really need to get that done. My writing has not totally suffered though! Positive note time, because I hate ending on less than positive news. I've been working on a revamped version of a short story I wrote four years ago and finally finished the rough draft and posted it online a few days ago on a few different websites. Officially, it's a Harry Potter "fanfic," but if you've read this blog even just a couple times you should know better than to expect something normal. In fact, you should be downright suspicious because I'm not the kind of person to write nice, fluffy pieces (as evidenced by the brutality of The Eagle and the Milk or the pure oddity of Fruity Pebble Tea), although I have been known to indulge in them from time to time. Most of my short stories are more along the lines of the two examples given above though, so if you do read the Harry Potter "fanfic" (there's a reason for the quotation marks) just be aware of what you're getting yourself into. Links to the various sites for the story will be posted below. PS: I wrote a poem as well, you probably guess it is weird and odd and quirkly. You're right.


Message for Mr. Potter - FanFiction
Message for Mr. Potter - Archive of Our Own
Message for Mr. Potter - Wattpad
Message for Mr. Potter - Goodreads

I think that's about enough for today. I might update on Monday if I have anything worth mentioning. Feel free to share the Harry Potter "fanfic" if you want, or don't, that's fine too.

Blog, you might have to deal with more erratic posting habits for a bit while I work to get my life under some semblance of control, but I shall not forget you! (Probably)

Your tired tyrant,
Andrew