Coming Out Aspie

Hey, all,

Over the last year, I've been debating a rather personal issue—whether or not to reveal my true nature, who I really am. I'm not naturally one to volunteer information about myself unprompted—which is why I wrote a book about my life, clearly. On the other hand, I don't wish to feel like I need to hide who I am because of what others may think or say about me. So, for the first time in almost twenty years, it's time to open up.

I have Asperger's Syndrome.

Might not be what you were expecting, but there it is all the same. For those unfamiliar with it, Asperger's is an Autism Spectrum Disorder characterized by having very specific, almost obsessive interests (like my fervent love of space), normal-to-high intelligence, difficulty with social situations, having a flat affect (both of which I've learned to mask over the years), muted emotions, difficulty understanding emotion (both others and my own), a desire to have everything in some kind of order (OCD-ish), and many others.

We call ourselves Aspies, those of us on the Asperger's end of the spectrum. The rest of the world, generally speaking, are neutrotypicals (NTs). For most Aspies, NTs are a very odd species. Your reactions, your logic, your emotions, these are foreign to many of us. And yet, we live among you, watching, lurking, waiting to rise up and...oh, wait, that's the AI. Never mind.

I found out I was an Aspie at 5. For years, I just thought of myself as me, and did what I could to get along with the kids around me. But I always felt something lacking with my peers, and gravitated toward adults, with whom I could more readily converse and actually enjoy those conversations. Sure, I played with kids my age, but never found the same satisfaction of  But, when I moved to San Diego, thrust into middle school with no friends or understanding what most kids were really like, I was constantly harassed, bullied, taunted, you name it. I made the mistake of revealing what I was—different, and thus a target for ridicule and mockery.

So it shouldn't come as any surprise that I tried to hide what I was. It didn't work well at first, I had a few friends, a little band of misfits who really only had each other, but besides that, the world was a lonely, dark place where people made no sense.

After a while, I realized I could start to make some sense of NT behavior. I began to careful study, going on over 15 years now, to understand and learn how to imitate "social" behavior. It paid off. Within a couple years, I could feign social competence—what inflections to use, which affects to wear, body language, speech patterns, the whole shebang. Although, I still constantly talk about space and science and all the fun things I learn from documentaries.

It wasn't...isn't...easy. It's rare for me to be able to put aside that NT mask and just revel in my Aspie-ness. My mind is constantly working when I talk with others, figuring out the right words to say, when the right time to speak is, which facial features to adopt, the tone, what humor is appropriate, etc. Those dozens of tiny little things people not on the spectrum do unconsciously when they interact with others, for me at least, all are carefully controlled variables in constant flux based on an extensive database born from years and years of study. And even still, I don't always get it right.

Let me be clear, this is not what most Aspies are like. I've been able to integrate myself into the neurotypical world fairly well because one of my obsessions is psychology and people. I'm fascinated by what makes people tick, why they do what they do, learning their fears, their drives, and it gives me an enormous advantage over other Aspies who do not have my same base of knowledge, and even over some NTs.

All this work is exhausting. It's wearing and draining to constantly pretend to be something I'm not. Which is why I've decided to come out. I no longer fear the taunts of the insecure people, of the bullies who would deprecate me for who I am. If someone wants to be my friend, I shouldn't have to play the part of normal human for X amount of time before I can reveal a large part of my personality is merely a charade to hide my true self for the benefit of social lubrication.

Now, that doesn't mean I'm going to drop everything I've learned. I'll still use the tools I gained to hide among the neurotypicals, but no longer as a front, but simply to be polite and make sure those I talk with aren't uncomfortable by my monotone and flat affect and muted emotions.

So that's it. I'm out, and I'm damn well proud to call myself Aspie. Wouldn't have it any other way.

~Andrew

PS: Yes, I do have Asperger's. I've had several psychologists seem incredulous when I tell them, and then I drop the mask completely and they say, "Oh, okay, you're right." So just because I might not act as though I have it, trust me, I do.

Feel free to ask any questions in the comment section.