It Gets Better: Why You Shouldn't Despair

Eleven years ago today, I was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia. I'm amazed at the difference between then and now.

June 2007

June 2018

The funny thing is, though...I almost forgot. You'd think the date would be scarred into my memory like a horrific brand—but for at least the last several years the date sneaks up on me and it isn't until one or two days before (and in a couple instances, the day of) that I remember, "Oh, yeah, cancer...that happened."

It's a good thing, though. A few years ago, this day was a crushing reminder of all I'd lost. The college experiences I'd never had, the physical activities lost to me through the damage caused by both cancer and cure, my freaking gorgeous hair, all of it. I'd hide away and mope and cry and numb myself as best as possible, all to get through one single day.

I'm not sure when that stopped, within the last five years for sure. The question is...why?

There are a couple things I've attributed this to:

1. Adaptation: The human mind is a crazy, weird, wonderful thing. I couldn't even begin to list all the fascinating things about it, there's been countless books written on the topic, but the one that helps dull the pain of remembrance and allows me to forget the day my life was forever changed is our ability to adapt to even the most mind-bending situations.

There's a lot said about desensitization today, particularly when it comes to violence. However, we're constantly desensitized to almost everything. Think about it—to people living 50 years ago, our lives today are almost unrecognizable. The sheer ingenuity and complexity of our technology alone is an absolute marvel and wonder.

We landed people on the Moon! "Yeah, whatever, big whoop, let me look at cat videos." Now, wait, how can you even look at cat videos? Less than thirty years ago, it was next to impossible to easily access the wild and wacky antics of fuzzy felines, now, it's a ubiquitous phenomena that threatens the very fabric of our existence. Or something. Maybe not. But you get my point.

Same thing with cancer. I started off numbed to it, not through desensitization, but through sheer shock. "Surprise! You have cancer. Here's a menagerie of exceedingly toxic chemicals, have fun." Ten years later, that doesn't phase me. I've relived and replayed those memories thousands upon thousands of times—especially when writing my memoir—and over time, my well of tears dried up, my anxiety and trauma of revisiting those nightmarish days of life and death faded, and it all just seems routine.

I've had ten joint replacements since 2010. I'm so used to surgeries I actually look forward to them now! It's my new normal, a known entity—as opposed to normal life which scares the hell out of me because I have so little experience with anything outside being pumped full of drugs, of having pieces of me ripped out and metal shoved in their place. But that's just another thing to get used to, and I'm sure that the more I expose myself to the more mundane, normal experiences most people know, the more my anxiety with regards to that will fade.

2. Time: There's a stupid cliché about time healing all wounds—it's utter BS. Time doesn't heal all wounds, not by a long shot. But it does grant you perspective and distance, and with that, an easing of suffering.

The memories and traumas become fuzzier, less distinct. It begins to feels less and less like something that happened to you—though there are still moments when it comes back clear as day. Of course, the pain never really leaves, but you're able to put it into better context.

While you're dealing with cancer and treatments and the after-effects of both, it's hard to focus on anything but the present. A decade or more later, you can look at where it all led you. Is it likely your life isn't as good as you would have hoped before cancer? Sure. But you get a chance to view your past through whichever lens you chose. Did cancer mess everything up? Or did it set you on a different path?

The key is spinning cancer in a positive light, in reframing your experience so you can find positives to take away from it. "But cancer sucked, how can anything good come from it?" Good question. I can't answer that, because all experiences differ—we're individuals, our paths diverge from the common origin of diagnosis. The only person who can reframe your traumas is you.

So, for those going through cancer now, or having just entered remission, don't give up. It takes time, experience, it takes getting used to, but the mental and emotional anguish of your fight with cancer—if not the physical difficulties—will dull. Let that comfort you in difficult times—for we are only as strong as we think we are.

Takeaways:

• Cancer sucks (shocker)
• Your mind has the ability to adapt to even the most challenging situations
• Distance and perspective help to ease the pain of past experiences
• You're as strong as you believe you are

Awareness Week: Combating Side Effects

Hi blog,

I will continue to commandeer you for Awareness Week until, well...the end of the week I guess. You'll thank me later. Maybe. If not, then you'll have to forgive me, and if you can't, well that's not my problem at that point.

Today I will discuss some of the side effects that come about as a result of cancer and the treatments involved with it. I'll deal with short term effects for this post, and while non-cancer patients might not find this particularly useful (unlike my previous post, which was partially helpful in general), you may know somebody who might find it helpful in one way, shape, or form, so please, do that person a favor and pass this on.

Pass it on!

Many of us know about a couple of the physical side effects of cancer treatments like chemotherapy and radiation: the nausea, hair loss, lack of energy, weakened immune system, stuff like that. However, there are a few other unfortunately common effects that are not as well known that generally do not come to people's attention until they deal with the issues themselves or know somebody close to them who is going through cancer treatments. I shall focus on the two of these that I think are the most important (and another one to cap off Awareness Week that gets its own post because it is THAT significant) and give you (the reader) some useful tips that help to combat and alleviate these issues that will invariably crop up as a results of many treatment plans.

Chemobrain: The first of these problems that you (as the cancer patient) might come across is a little (not so little) something called chemobrain. Essentially, chemobrain is a decrease in mental acuity that generally manifests itself as issues with concentration, memory, and a general sense of not functioning at the same level of mental sharpness as one did before treatment. To put it simply, your brain doesn't work as well as it did. You might lose things easier, forget dates, important bits of information, have difficulty focusing on a task at hand, not do as well on a test, have trouble following a conversation, etc. At the moment there are several theories as to why people go through chemobrain, but none has been definitively proven, and besides, the goal is not to cure the chemobrain, but to find ways of coping and negotiating your way around it. Here's some tips:

• Make lists: As soon as somebody tells you something, write it down! Whether it's groceries you have to pick up, medication you need to take, or movies somebody tells you that you should watch, be sure to write it down as soon as you hear about it, that way you have a visual reminder of what you need to do and can refer back to it if your memory proves to be stubborn and unhelpful. And be sure to cross off any item that you complete as well, you don't want to do it twice. 
• Get a planner or notebook: Similar to the previous tip, a notebook will allow you to jot down any old thing that you may need or want. Somebody tells you a funny joke? Write it down! You need to remember somebody's name or information? Write it down! Have an appointment you need to keep? I'll let you guess what you should do. A notebook basically functions as a paper/electronic  (if you want to use a computer instead) memory bank that you can fill with whatever information you deem worthy of retaining. Don't be shy about writing things down either, even if you aren't sure whether it's important or not, write it down anyway, you never know. Besides, notebooks aren't really that expensive, feel free to fill up as many as you please!
• Keep a journal: Remembering how you feel on certain days can be helpful, especially if you have a problem that has been going on for a few days and you need to keep track of it. Having a detailed account of your physical, emotional, and mental well-being might also make for interesting reading for later as well, when you're telling people about how freaking awesome and brave you are after undergoing your treatments.
• Avoid distractions: When you need to concentrate on a task and have trouble with focus, making sure that you are in an environment where nothing is going to break your train of thought is important. Personally, I have trouble with this (even in quiet environments, I have a weird habit of breaking my own line of thought with excessively random tangents), and I find it incredibly
  
  helpful to be somewhere nice and quiet where I can count on being able to do what needs to be done without having some six-foot noisebox (also called a human) come in and talk about their cat while I'm trying to write a blog post. Don't hesitate to tell your friends or family that you need some time to think while you complete your chore or task, they'll understand. 
• Talk to your nurse or oncology social worker: These people will be able to give you some more useful facts and tips about chemobrain and other problems that you may encounter during the course of your treatment. They are an invaluable resource that you should use often and freely. For more tips on how to combat chemobrain, see CancerCare's article: Combating Chemobrain

Drug dependence: An issue with treatment is that it can cause additional pain. To deal with the pain, narcotics are very commonly used. Based on the nature of this point, you may worry about addiction, but actually addiction is different than physical dependence (which is what this part is about). Addiction is characterized by the compulsive use of drugs (in this case prescription because you will likely have access to a lot of those) for for mood-altering effects rather than pain relief. I went down the road of addiction, but it's not too common to go to that extreme, so don't worry about that. What you do need to concern yourself with is physical dependence, which will show up as you come off of the drugs. You may notice side effects such as: anxiety, paranoia, agitation, sweating, diarrhea, and insomnia. It is possible to notice these signs and work toward ensuring that you come off of your painkillers without suffering too much in the way of withdrawal effects, because you have enough crap to deal with already. 

• Talk to your doctor if you have concerns about drug dependence and if you notice that you are asking for the drugs even when you don't need them, tell somebody immediately, because addiction is a beast you do not want to tangle with, it can get you killed if you aren't careful.
• Don't be afraid to ask questions about the types and doses of painkillers you are on. If you are in more pain, don't worry about getting "hooked" on your drugs, because your main concern should be staying as comfortable as possible rather than toughing out extra pain due to a fear of becoming reliant on your drugs. 
• The best way to mitigate the effects of withdrawals is to come off of your dose slowly, lowering it a little at a time until finally you can come off it completely. Talk about a plan to wean you off your drugs with your doctor. 

There is one more big effect that is almost taboo to talk about, yet should come as no surprise to anybody. Sadly, I'm a tease, and if you want to learn what this last problem is and learn ways to alleviate it, tune in later this week for the conclusion of Awareness Week.

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Thank for for the repurposing today blog, mucho appreciado, your cliffhanger loving master and commander, Andrew